26, OCT 2021
Am I that ghost in the mirror?
Perhaps half of my reflection was never my fully my own.
Half of the one I thought I knew, staring back at me, was always her too.
Reflection’s the same.
Concerns for the future once concerns of the past, are happening right now.
Maybe the ghost who has been appearing to me, is my future self.
Warnings or encouragements, depending on how I listen.
Encouragements or warnings, depending on my humility.
No wait, I think that was her too.
Voices are the same.
Ocean waters, rushing into the hull, between the cracks that are forming.
I used to be able to fill the holes quick enough to enjoy the sailing.
Now I am just trying to adjust to the temperature of the water rushing in.
Why make drowning even less pleasant?
Sounds like something she would say.
Away from the noise.
Away from the constant disagreements.
Hiding from the intoxicating hopelessness.
Choosing to be better in any given opportunity.
Wearing floaties instead of anchors in this rushing river.
I'm just going to write here.
I'm not going to wave my hands in your face.
I'll be sitting right here, quietly whispering observations.
While I try to make sense of it all... and becoming OK with never knowing.
This is July 8th, 2021
(Exactly 3 months and one day... an hour and a half... since my mom passed away.)
I feel lonely, but warm and falling into my own internal comfort.
Why of all days, did so many people suddenly decide to reach out today?
I feel bad because I hid.
I hid only in order to get a lot of things done that I've been putting off.
But it worked.